The Chronicles of L.J. Stevans: Part 17. A Healed Heart

Hello Again Friends,

I think it goes without saying that up to this point, my life has been.....unique to say the least. I lived almost an entire lifetime, and now I get to live the most formidable years once again. As crazy as it all seems, it has begun to sink in. I try to put it all into its proper perspective through my posts in the Chronicles or in talking to the people with me here in Milton. So many can live their lives in normalcy, never seeing the amazing things that are out there walking next to us but always just out of focus. I envy these people in a way, they can just.....be. Keeping that in mind, I would never trade my life with any of them. We all have purpose, while everyone's purpose is important in many ways it goes without saying that some have a greater impact on the world than others. I'm not trying to be a narcissist or anything, I know in the grand scheme of things a life is still a life. Aside from that there is also one thing that matters regardless the impact you may or may not have on the grand scheme of things. It is that thing that I think has been the best but still the most difficult for me..... love.

I am quite lucky, I have been madly in love twice. Recently a young man asked me a question about Vanessa and Rebecca that really got me thinking. He asked if the love I had and have for both women were equal. We have been here in Milton for months now and questions have become the norm around the town. Still it was a strange question to me, simply because I had never thought about it in those terms before. I knew I had to answer, just as I knew the question had more importance to this boy on the cusp of manhood. He was probably just starting to fall for a young lady out there and was looking for answers from someone objective and has for a fact been in love. By now everyone within the region has heard the story of what happened to Vanessa and what I did after, so I understand why it was me that he asked. Vanessa and Rebecca are quite different from one another in many ways save one. They both had a passion for life that was ever hungry, it is almost infectious.

I met both women in a time of duress, with Vanessa it was an instantaneous love, and that could be because we had no one else to turn to. I don't mean that in the way it may sound, we just knew that we met for a reason and we were all the other would ever have or need. Vanessa lived a life of servitude before I came along, everything was new to her, exciting and fresh. Everyday was an adventure full of new discoveries for her, and I just loved seeing her in the light of it all. Her joy brought me joy. Still, I knew my life was dangerous and yes, to this day I blame myself for hers as well as our unborn child's death. We decided to run, and live that way, we only stopped because we were not going to bring a baby in to that kind of life. We should have built a community and stayed safe within it, not on the outskirts of town like we did. But I never should have let the Family get to her, I should have taken the fight to them at that point, this is not a mistake I will make twice.

In the gap of time between the two relationships there was no one else, I just didn't want to get close again. I think it was the circumstances behind the meeting with Rebecca that gave the love a chance. After everything that happened at my house with my Uncle and Cousin and then receiving the gift of a second youth. I was very drained, physically and mentally. In this case it was Rebecca doing the saving, she got me out of that inferno, and got me to safety. She saved me and didn't even know that I was the one she was looking for. But that is who she is, she rights the wrongs, she has an adventurous nature, she is my equal in every way. Vanessa was more of the damsel in distress, not to say she was weak or not capable of taking care of herself, it's just she never had to. She went from her parents house to her “owners” house to being with me. Even at 5 months pregnant Rebecca wants to be in the fight we are about to enter with my Sister Ellen. She is an accomplished swords-women, but you would never know that by just looking at her. You would be surprised to find that she could knock you into next week. What she may lack in physical stature she more than make up for in will. She is just a bit shorter than I am, she is certainly not built like a fighter but not scrawny either. She is...well... she has...a voluptuous figure. Her body can accent any type of garb she may dress in. Her face is framed by two strands of hair that run down the sides just past her chin, with the hair in back going almost to the ground. So she normally keeps it in a tight bun of brown locks when fighting is near. I think it's her eyes that are the give away for her toughness, she has fiery eyes that could bring a giant to its knees. They are beautiful yet capable of staring a hole straight through you, take it from someone that has been on the wrong side of that gaze, it is not where you want to be.

In the fire I lost everything pertaining to Vanessa, it hurts to think about it but still she is with me. The love I have for Rebecca stands on its own, we are as one, soon to be as three. I tried to explain all of this to the young man with the question. Even though I think he was looking for a shorter answer, he still seemed to appreciate the fact I would open up in front of him. These people here are amazing, they not only welcomed us with open arms but also did so with the men that rode in with us, as well as the men that have joined us in the months we've been here. I know my family will be safe here as does Rebecca, even though she insists that she will be coming along in the battles that are ahead. She knows that nothing will happen to her here, I know I could not bare it if it did. It almost killed me the first time, I will not live through that again.

Even though I have suffered from loss in my other adventure into love, I was willing to allow it into my life a second time. I may not have thought I would find it again with the hectic life I live, but that's why Rebecca and I compliment each other the way we do. She is Jack's Daughter, the only other person I had real emotions for since my Mothers death. He was like a Father to me in many ways, as well as my best friend. Rebecca has all his best qualities along with his stubbornness. I think it was after I found out about Alexandra's passing, the way she was there for me. It was then she first kissed me, I knew it wasn't to get my mind off the troubles that plague me. It was because she felt my pain in that moment and connected with me, my heart is hers now, for however long she wishes to keep it. We are open and truthful with each other, I would be even if I was capable of lying. And yes, I have talked to her about Vanessa, aside from both loving me I think they would be fast friends. I think regaining my youth has something to do with the progress in healing my heart has made. It's almost like a second life, literally and metaphorically. It is a second chance, one I will not waste. I think that is the biggest difference between myself and my Family (save Ellen), they only love themselves and the power they can amass, I have loved deeper than any ocean. I know just how lucky I am. A man that has loved that deeply not once but twice, that is special indeed.

I left Ellen to the side of the Family when it comes to love and I did so for a reason. It was her order that took my Vanessa from me so I took her love from her as payment, which I now know is wrong. By doing so I created a monster incapable of ever loving again, she has waited a long time to strike against me. Soon she will have her opportunity, in the end she will just have to accept the consolation of being reunited with her Husband in death. While that may seem cold, it is just a truth, she will never let me live in happiness, we both know that. I gave her a chance to get out of this life, she didn't take it. Instead she held on to her hate and it is that hate that is going to put her into the ground once and for all.

L.J. Stevans