It's Therapy time folks.

Well folks, it's good to be back, but before I can get my head back to the things we all know and love, I have a few things I have to get off my chest. So buckle up guys it's gonna be a long ride. First I must admit that I am an a-hole, at least I must be, all the people " closest to me " right now seem to treat me as such, like despite all the things I have givin up all the things I try to do to help, I am just a big turd. Let me give you a small but very telling example of what I mean and even though it's my story I will not bend it to make me look better, how I will tell you is 100 percent how it happened, I will put that on my daughters life. So I'm on the phone with my Mom, because despite the fact that she just spent 3 months either ignoring, yelling or resenting m while I had to stay with her, she wants to call me all the time and act like we are best friends now, which I can deal with, anyone who knows my mom knows most of the time you just have to placate her because she really can't deal with reality, she has a very twisted view of how life is and no matter what happens she's right and every one else be dammed. And no I am not burning her right there, it's just the facts plain and simple, but back on topic. She called all day while after almost 3 days I finally got some sleep, so I didn't answer then but I woke up saw she called and returned it, which has nothing to do with the story, just setting the scene. Anyways, we are talking, tomorrow is Alisha's 6th birthday and we have little money because we still have all our woes we had before we left the last place as you who read on the norm know. Again not the point, just sayin. We are able to do something very cool and very cheap for her B-day, a cool boat up and down the Rhine River on a Castle tour it's like 20 bucks for all of us, perfect, but that's on Saturday, tomorrow was just gonna be chill and stuff but now they wanna come and stay here for the night which is cool. So the only thing mom said she was gonna do was bring a cake so we could double up so we could make sure the cake was takin care of. I said this to her on Sunday and also said we were getting a cake but mom insisted she was getting one and she would order it, so no prob, but I knew she wouldn't because that's just her but no big deal. So as foreseen she didn't again no big deal we got it covered. Everything I have said to this point is not the point of this story but I needed to set up the flow so you knew why the next thing happened. So I say it's all good mom don't worry about it but she then spouts how it's not her fault and how we should have taken care of it, which we did, but she doesn't get that. Again I said it's good mom, no big deal but she keeps going to I raise my voice a bit to get her attention and even though I am a loud person I try and control it because I can yell without even thinking about it. But here I controlled it and raised just a bit so she could here me, mom it's all good let it go, but she keeps going, because when mom is wrong she has to blame everyone else and yell until she is convinced it is not her fault any more, it really doesn't matter if we think that but as long as in her head, she's good, then she will stop and really act like nothing happened. So after that was done we returned to talking for 3 seconds, she asks me what cake we got and I told her Mel, kinda slipped up as well but we are getting one tomorrow and she again starts going on about it and I say again it's all good.

 Now if you were able to follow that crap up there good for you, but this is how it is day in and day out with her, pretty much about anything, it just gets old, the best part is when she trys to blame me and call me the asshole which yes my mother does call me her son with great frequency, but to be fair she calls everyone names but we all kinda rib each other. But I have a problem with it I mean come on she's my mom, which I have asked her many times if we could just stop all that stuff, it's dumb and I don't like my kid hearing her grandma whom she adores talking like that, to which I usually get a yeah yeah followed by a ok shut up is that all you do is bitch, once again from my mother to me. But that's the little stuff we have come to accept because with her if we all don't accept  it then we are wrong. OK OK OK I'm done with that now, sorry for that guys but. I had to get it out, I feel like I am talking in space and no one can hear me or that I'm just invisible and that everyone just walks past me, which is fine but I mean I am a 360 pound fat guy with wild hair and a beard to match that is in constant pain and am confined to a black and red flamed cane , kinda hard to just ignore that I would think. But remember folks I'm the A-hole.

So this next thing is just a quick thought to a response to a question I asked someone recently. I was just wondering what I did that the world has been raining poop all over me for 4 years now, to this I was answered maybe it's what you haven't done, give your life to God. Now this came from my best friend who knows me, I don't feel that putting your problems into the hands of an imaginary man in the sky who can affect everything but does nothing while getting credit for all is the way to go for me. Just how I feel, but it bothered me that at my lowest point is when I would be expected to do so, If I did how would that be sincere to the ears of a deity if one exists. My whole life I have felt that it's choice and experience that drive our lives not an absent all powerful father figure from a another plane of existence. But now at my weakest now I'm ready to follow, just like that forget the last 27 years god, now I see you, now fix me. But that's what zealots want they want you to give your life over to god at your weakest and why would a strong powerful God and religion want all the weak and downtrodden to follow and give our lives over to them, hmmmmmmmmmmm I wonder would it be that because the weak are easily lead and controlled. Which is why the word faith was invented because if you take everything on faith by definition alone you don't need a real understanding, because you just have faith and you just ....KNOW right. If we had a real understanding of religion of all the stories that religion gives us all the things we can't see and touch or understand, then we could grow stronger and the strong are not controlled as easy and there would collapse the whole damn system, Through understanding and experience do we grow. But this is just how I feel and why I was so mad and insulted at the idea of just giving my life to god. OK, I needed to get that out, I sorry guys, I 'm sure I look like an ass now but hey as I said at the jump, I guess that's what I am, peace eye listeners. Sorry again for the raw grammer and spelling in the blog, I'm just typing and letting it go.